My first book – DEEP WITHIN

DEEP WITHIN 

Written by Jamie Grinn

 

Introduction

 

    This book is going to be the first of many. For years I have lived life going through different experiences. Some of the things I went through were frowned upon but I never let that get in my way. Always listening to the stories of others. Seeing new places and learning the cultures throughout the time. Even places I have never been I have seen and learned about the struggles and celebrations of so many places. Never having left the country that I live in I feel like I have been able to appreciate the places that technology has allowed us to. No matter where we are in this world we can see anywhere in the world. Thats a blessing. 

    

   There were times in history that people couldn’t travel. These days there are so many types of transportation, and ways to communicate or view the world and meet people to enhance our daily experiences. It’s incredible to imagine going to the places you see and learning about them. It’s even more spectacular when you are able to see it all in person. Not everyone is able to travel so there are so many ways that we find to entertain each other. 

 

   Here is one form of entertainment. Read this book using your imagination. You may not be like me but I’m sure you will find yourself lost in the adventures and chapters slowly finding yourself as you read along. 

 

Getting Lost In Writing

 

   Let me take you on a journey. Feel and picture what is being read and get lost in someone else’s life for a moment. Literature is about escaping reality and learning, so let me educate you and take you on an unknown road and feel the release of the life you knew, even if only for a few moments. Lets see where it goes.

 

   The revolving door of the Arts, Social Media, and Media, is a heavy one. Each time you go through it. Something inside you changes. It is strange. At times you feel like you can’t hold it together. Other times you feel great. There are ups and downs that are hard to move between. At times you can’t tell who your friends are and who isn’t. People you think you have known turn out to be complete strangers and people you haven’t seen in years turn into your best friends for life. There are always a few good friends that have, and always will be there for you. Family and friends grow closer and farther like an ever repeating uneven pattern. Patiently waiting to see where we all go next.

 

   There are twists and turns at every corner and let downs and pick me ups, so many surprises along the way. Moments pass by at all different speeds. One day you’re resting, next you’re on your way to many days of no sleep. Trying to figure out what day it is, and where you have to be next and when. “What make-up style do I put on today?” or “what do I wear?”, not to mention when you are going to have your next meal or take a proper shower. 

 

   Sometimes you’re on the road for days on end and will get sick of stopping along the way. How many times can you pass your favorite restaurant before you get so sick of it that you say “No thank you, lets keep going.” Eventually you’ll want it again but don’t be surprised when you can’t hold your usual order down. Then you realize this gives you a chance to find a new favorite. Going up to a counter of a place you have never been and looking at the menu saying to yourself “I don’t know what half of that stuff is!” finally you decide on something and sit down to brand new flavours. Excited and surprised from liking it you ask for some more and another serving to go! 

 

   There comes a time when you have reached goals, feeling like you might not have achieved what you expected to and then all of a sudden realize you are exactly where you wanted to be. It may not have happened the way you wanted and it may have been hard to do but look how far you have come from where you began. Trying isn’t always easy sometimes it can be straining and hard to handle all the things you set out to do in the beginning, as you continue on you will notice it gets easier. 

 

   The tears you used to shed dry up and the smiles and laughs grow more as you grow to appreciate the small things in life as you grow older every moment. When you want anything done to perfection don’t count on it. There is always going to be obstacles that get in your way. It takes courage, strength, focus, and some days it will take all the energy, determination, and confidence to get everything on your list done. Things might pop up that you never expected. If you look at it the right way, you can see how truly beautiful the outcome could turn out. 

 

   Every time you open your eyes and feel the air hit your lungs it is a reminder that you are alive and have a chance to live your life the way you want to. No matter what mistakes you have made in the past you are capable of putting it behind you and moving forward. You learn from your mistakes and use those lessons to build a better you. 

 

   Try and take whatever you felt wasn’t right in your life and try to make the alterations needed to better yourself. There is a battle within yourself to be great. Filled with instincts and emotions, some are harder to control then others. Only you are capable of changing how you feel. People can agitate you or make you happy. It’s up to you to decide how you’re going to feel and react. To find your inner peace and choose what to allow yourself to react to or to leave alone. You can change where you are, who you are with, or what you’re doing. The one thing you can’t change is who you are. If you feel uncomfortable in any situation you should try and remove yourself from it. You deserve to be happy. Every individual has the chance to live the best life possible. The question is how bad do you want it? Make the changes to your life to allow yourself to excel. There is no better feeling than to feel proud of yourself and who you are. 

 

   Open up your mind and allow things unimaginable to suddenly appear imaginable. Now take it further, and make it real. How do you think people invent and reinvent new things in the first place? If you stay in one state of mind for too long things would be awfully boring. Naturally we crave differences, challenges and risks, and some risks are worth the outcome. The world will always need new toys to play with, songs to sing, tastes to taste, and sights to see. Creating is good for everyone not only for yourself but for the others around you. Keep that in mind next time you’re hesitating to try to invent that new game you wanted to. Your grandparents, great grandparents, and kids of the future may think it’s the coolest thing ever invented years later! Or that the painting you think looks like garbage would look like a masterpiece to someone else. 

 

   Speak your mind and try new things as often as you can. If a kid offers you to try one of those new fancy gadgets why not try them out? You might just Find yourself laughing alongside them. Life can be full of fun if you open yourself up to it. You might feel silly being grown up playing with a kids toy but the memories, laughing, and joy that comes with it makes it all worth the while. People say what they want to say, you may as well have fun while they do. They are the ones missing out on the fun and new ways anyways. 

 

   I have personally always been better at writing rather than talking. Known that about myself for years. I went through years of struggling with expressing myself and the best advice I ever got was to write out my feelings or what I wanted to create. Poems, songs, letters, journals, whatever it was that day. Some saved for rainy days, burned, thrown out, and others turned into pieces. 

 

   Releasing the way you feel is so important for the mind, body, and soul. At times you feel like you can’t say anything to anyone never knowing how they might reciprocate their feelings. Later you realize you’re not the only one who feels like that. Someone might hear or read what you wrote and totally understand more than you could ever expect. They could feel so much better knowing they are not alone. No matter how ridiculous you feel about one thing, someone out there might think it’s completely natural or even genius. Never be afraid to express your truth. Everyone is different but deep down we all want the same things. Long beautiful lives. No matter how scary or ugly a thought might be there is always a chance that there is a person out there that’s right by your side even from far away to see you through it. That’s the beauty in it. 

 

   There are so many thoughts going through an individual and so many people that it would be almost impossible for anyone not to have at least one similar thought to you. That is kind of cool to think about isn’t it. It’s almost impossible to be alone with your thoughts these days. Everybody is in a hurry to go through life’s motions except for the few people who found peace in taking their time to enjoy life’s gifts. Your best friend could be one train  of thought away. 

 

   A friend could even be one paper airplane across the room. Open up the piece of paper and the writing might not particularly say what you want it to say but it’s a good conversation starter and you can always send one back. Things may not always be in the right order or turn out right the first time, but the best part about writing is you can always write something else. Editing and rethinking about how you can make each creation better or more interesting. Trying to sound better or getting across what you really wanted to say. Sometimes it comes out right the first time. Other things take a bit longer to figure out how to say, then you say “Yes! That’s what I wanted to say, I feel much better now.” The callous’ on your fingers might not agree with you but that is how you know you have let off some serious steam and are on your way to finding something else to create next. 

 

   Sometimes life throws something at you that you would like to pretend never happened but remember the happiness it brought you. Something that reminds you that there is darkness out there that you need to keep safe from and to always look at the brighter side of the situation. Stars don’t shine without darkness after all. Always bring the light show with you better yet be the light show! Keeping each other healthy and safe is always the best way to go. Dark moments can scare you or make you question yourself. In times of need people always need something to look forward to. You would be surprised if you knew how far helping your neighbors, playing board games with an elder, dancing, working, working out, or even cooking and crafts with friends can go. For some people that’s stuff they do daily however some people are not as fortunate, as others need help with things as simple as water, food, and shelter. Remember to count your blessings. As quick as moments pass by is as quickly as the world can change. All you can do is go along with it and make the best of it. 

 

   There are so many different cultures. Each different culture is full of its own creations and discoveries. It’s nice to think about how one small piece of someone’s life in one part of the world can inspire a whole generation of unique style and how other people begin to use it in a whole other part of the world. Even on the opposite side of the earth years later still learning about the origins and expanding the way we all interact with each other all over the world. It is an awakening for people to share and to see how short or long life can be. How a tradition, art piece, or simple tool can go and create new things with special twists. It is a constant reminder of how we need to continue to celebrate diversity in order to thrive.

 

   Bringing together people and communities is such a positive experience. To see togetherness as people we can only imagine what we can achieve. Children look up to each other and to their elders so let’s show them how to appreciate the world that is so beautiful and strong and become more peaceful as each second moves us all forward into the future we create for our kids, their kids, and the children after them. We are all kids, having kids, looking out for each other and learning how to get along and make the world a better place. Little by little and slowly but surely the world is becoming a beautiful place to be. 

 

Photo of: Jamie Grinn 

 

Being A Kid

 

   When I was a child I would always be singing, playing dress up, getting into make-up, getting my mom to do my hair and trying to be weirder than the weird kids at school. The world ahead of me was exciting and every day there was something for me to discover. I didn’t care who knew me. I just wanted to play and sing and dance and use my imagination. The older I got the more I wanted to try. Always picking up a new instrument, trying out for the local plays and talent shows and making new clothes out of old fabric or torn up clothes. Anything I could do to use my imagination. Crafts were a must. Always trying to make something out of nothing was kinda my thing. 

 

   Making people smile and laugh was the best. If I hurt someone’s feelings I always apologized and tried to learn from my mistakes. I got picked on a bit so I knew what it was like to be bullied and never wanted anyone to feel bad so I always tried to be the one to make people smile or feel better if they had a rough day. Helping teachers and fellow students with school work, working extra time on my Arts assignments, being really into Science and History, and being on the stage alot made me stand out and not always in the best way. I wasn’t necessarily popular but people sure knew who I was. It allowed me to change who I hung out with through the years and that is something I’ll always be thankful for. 

 

   I remember my first auditions and what feelings I had when I think about it, oh wow. The first one was for modeling when I was little. I remember my mom bringing me into this huge building with sparkly floors and fancy lights above the reception desk making it all glamourous. I was so little and I still had ringlets in my hair. Normally I was used to introducing myself to everyone but that day I clammed up and could hardly speak from the nerves. Going into the meeting I had my first case of stage fright! Terrible timing to say the least. I am sure my mom worked really hard to get me there in the first place. I was just too shy and it didn’t work out. The next time I auditioned for modeling the agent told me I wasn’t tall enough and that I would have to take a class, and I couldn’t afford it so that was another failure.  Shortly after that I started modeling freelance and found some amazing photographers that help me build more than a portfolio. I started to become known as a model all on my own. The first big singing audition I had I’ll never forget what the judges had said to me.  All I needed to do was build a stage presence and get rid of my stage fright. After that I was performing as much as I possibly could.  Musicals, band practice, recreational lessons, dance competitions , going to concerts, performing at concerts, making guest appearances at events and an artistic young adult life was my way of growing up.

 

   To this day I’m still the girl who’s always playing dress up, making new friends and adventures, and when it’s show time I try my best. Sometimes I make mistakes but the best of them do too. 

 

   Singing, dancing, modeling, acting, writing, and inspiring others are the things I have always loved and done. Sure I’ve done other things too, however if you have ever heard the expression “eat, sleep, and breath…” Well, that would be a perfect way to describe my life in entertainment. My family, friends,  acquaintances, and even people I don’t know or have never met have always seen my passion and there is no way around that. When I decided that I wanted to be an entertainer from a young age, I started to surround myself with the people and places that would allow me to reach my greatest potential. 

 

   Growing up I would see the people on TV  and internet and hear them on the radio and would find myself thinking I would be on there too. I became determined to study and meet people that could help me learn to become a well rounded entertainer. I found comfort and peace knowing that the people on those different Media outlets started out like anyone else. Regular people with normal lives, focused on their talents. As a plumber is good at draining pipes, a singer is good at singing songs. A person born into this crazy world doing their job to entertain and then going back home to their daily lives. Realizing this as young as I did gave me strength and courage to introduce myself to people or to say “hey” back when someone introduced themselves to me. 

 

   Sometimes your biggest fan becomes your best friend and isn’t so creepy after all. Someone I was a fan of, became one of my closest friends. Someone who was a fan of mine, I became close to. You never know who cares until you really get to know them. As I grow  older I gain more and more experience. Getting more comfortable in front of people and strangers and being on and off camera, I was able to get to a point of confidence and courage that I needed to become the artist that I wanted to be and knew I was deep within all along.

 

Being An Artist

 

   Being an Artist there is an urge that urge pull’s you to the things you need to find inspiration. Day to night little things remind you of something that you forgot or put to the back of your mind. Those reminders bring you back to something you see in a whole different way then you used to or something new sparks your interest or adds to some new idea. Piece by piece the thoughts turn into something new and exciting to share with the world or with your best friends if you’re on the shy side. 

 

   Artists see things differently and sometimes there’s struggles with why or how but that’s part of the exciting mystery of each Artist and individual. Anything created by matter and thought could be considered art. The unique differences of how each person views it differently is amazing as well. These differences can make you want to make something too.

 

   Everywhere you look there is something that never existed before. The chair you’re sitting on, the trees across the yard, the lightbulb that lets you see in the dark, even the underwear keeping your bum warm. All of these things never existed until someone was brave enough to think of and make these things and turn them into something we can touch, taste, feel, see, and hold in our hands. These material things that we take for granted are the things that lead us to bigger and better things. Think about it, we have gone from a horse and buggy to the newest luxury cars with expandable tires! Who knew we could come so far? 

 

   There are things being created and art is being shared as you read this book that the generations after us will be able to enjoy and then they will take the knowledge and feelings of expressions to create more. It really is a beautiful cycle.

 

   Can you imagine a world with no art to wonder what the artist was thinking? No music to sing along to? No dancing to shake your stress away? No pictures to look at when there’s something you wanted to see but could not get to?  No video games to play, no books to read, no Media to gossip about? Neither can I. Those little things added up become a much larger picture. Entertainment in many forms is actually good for us. The artistic creations work together to create masterpieces for us to enjoy to bring emotions out that our day to day lives miss out on. Bringing you to a place of fantasy even if only momentarily. Pumping up your adrenaline after a relaxing day.  Whatever feeling you’re missing, some forms of art can usually bring the emotions out in you even if you don’t realize it. 

 

   Shut your eyes. Open them, look up, open up. Do you see art? Do you see the mechanics of how it was put together? Do you feel like it’s there for a reason? Now look around you.  Each single object around you was thought of, designed, and then built. Do your ideas seem so silly now? Probably not. Look at what it could lead to. Every idea has the opportunity to flourish. 

 

Staying True To Oneself

 

   Life can bring you more and more the further you let yourself do what it is you really feel is right to you. Stop allowing yourself to stop thinking and start doing it is a difficult situation. The more you want something the more you think about it.  Find the balance to be able to seperate the thought from action. Instead of thinking about doing something, go out and do it.  My favorite thing anyone has ever said to me was my son when he said “don’t  try mommy, just do it” and my daughter when  she said “have fun I love you” I wanted to laugh and cry in those moments of happy tears. They are right. I could keep thinking, and trying little by little, or I could stop everything I was doing and do it. I could have fun while doing it all too! So that’s what I did and do everyday. The second I think to myself “I’m going to try and do something” I start doing it. Things take longer than other things but as long as everything gets done happily and properly, that’s what matters at the end of the day. Putting smiles on my kids’ faces and giving elders a reason to hold on a little longer is what I need to do as a parent and for myself and others. You can’t take care of other people unless you take care of yourself. 

 

   Health is something to pay attention to. The body needs certain vitamins and nutrients in order to function properly. Getting enough rest and exercise is equally as important. Taking good care of your physical and mental  health are the keys to having a long, healthy, active, happy life. If your body or mind can’t cooperate in any way you will have difficulty. Even if you have a disability you can find the strength in what you put in and out of your body. Use all the nutrition, muscle and positive energy to strive for a longer life. You will be surprised at how capable we are all able to grow and to feel good while doing so. 

 

   Focusing on what you want and taking the actions to grow stronger as a person allows you to achieve your goals faster. If you do not find the ways to focus you are certain to find yourself distracted. Simple and obvious yet still always a great thing to be reminded of. It is easy to get lost in others tasks and goals, so make sure that you prioritize what it is that you truly want. Put the things that are most important to you and that you care about the most at the top of your list. Before you know it things start falling into place to lead you to get you where you want to go and who you want to be. 

 

   There are so many places and people out there. Each with its own mysterious story. Lingering questions out there for us to find the answers to. From who each person is, where all these animals came from, to what makes mountains different colours? When is the next great discovery, why do we yearn to explore, and how to listen to one’s soul? Blades of grass tickle feet and sharp blades of metal or glass can break through our skin and hurt. So many feelings, and sights to shape us each and every where you roam. There is no end to the possibilities. Unknown amounts of adventures waiting to be had. So who are you and what do your creative adventures include? Be honest with yourself and explore the passion that makes you unique.

   

 

Fantasy Versus Reality

 

   When you think of your life do you see your reality? Fantasy and reality are two seperate things. Sometimes you can combine fantasy with reality to create dream-like experiences to enjoy. Something to make us escape into our wild sides. Forming new ideas and finding new freaky ways to tap into the parts of people that are most often misunderstood. Finding the balance of fantasy and reality to  create and excite is tricky but worth the effort. So many people lose their sight for fantasy yet watch it everyday on television. Do not be afraid to express your fantasies so that your reality can be even more enjoyable. Turn those dreams into realities, live your life, and never forget to smile.

 

   Life is a wonderful journey, and one heck of a ride, but it sure is fun. From childhood to teen years, being an adult or growing up then you’d like to admit. Look how much has changed. Look at all the things you imagined and all the things that exist now that didn’t way back then. Imagine where you can go and what you can do. See all of the possibilities. Seeing a creative, bright, successful future is what I am aiming for. How about you? 

 

   My reality is that I’m still going through my journey through life. As you are as well. Life gives many experiences and choices, some seem like a fantasy, it’s so good. Don’t forget to look at the best of things and sure enough you will notice. Ask yourself if you have chosen the experiences and opportunities that you wanted. Is your life becoming your greatest fantasies? Everyday a new opportunity is presented and it’s a personal choice for what ones you want to go for or not. I personally try to aim for the people, places, and things that I want to have a positive experience with. When doors and windows open to allow you to make the friends you want, to go the places you have never been, or to do something you never thought possible, it is up to you to choose to go through the things necessary to bring you to those things. Don’t forget that those doors and windows can close again and you never know when or if it will ever open again. So here are some of the moments in my life where my fantasies and reality collided to bring me to where I am today and made me proud to be who I am. 

 

Photo of: Billboard outside of Coalition for a Jamie Grinn performance.

 

   First Experiences and First Impressions

 

    Most of my friends were into music or some forms of art and my first celebrity crush had actually become a good friend before I had even graduated high school. A funny rockin dude named Jesse Colburn had blue hair and knew how to play a guitar and sing like I had never heard and he interested me. As luck would have it we were introduced and I was starstruck for about five minutes and then I realized he was just like any other guy but talented. Jesse signed an autograph for me and hung out. Over the years he has taught me little tips and tricks on the guitar and with my voice, how to play chords, and attempts to make sense of me when I can’t seem to get out my thoughts. Jesse’s actually pretty damn good at that. Sharing each other’s crazy adventures and listening to each other rant over silly things. You know friend stuff. Over the years bringing ideas to life and helping each other through the wonderful musical world we live in. Bringing me back to earth when I get too far ahead and reminds me that I’m not the only one trying to make it in such a crazy world. Jesse was my first inspiration to make music. Always busy with his music and life I formed my own band in Highschool and began my musical adventures.

 

   I had been working on my modeling, singing and dancing during school and impatiently waiting to go to my first big concert. The school trip to a kids french singer named Etiene wasn’t exactly a concert experience as much as it was an educational experience, yet enough to get me excited to go to more. 

 

   Finally, after three failed attempts at other concerts, I finally convinced my parents to let me go to a real concert with a couple of friends. My friends Mike Pupunkoski and Joey Porpilglia and I were super excited to go see what was my favorite band at the time, Metro Station. I was so excited I didn’t even care about how long it took to get tickets or wait in line. Standing in line I got cold and me and my friend Joey zipped both of us up in his sweater making us look like a two headed monster. We must not have been too scared looking though because we ended up having some pretty fun conversations with other people there. When we finally got in we made our way to the front of the crowd. 

 

   I will never forget the moment I knew for sure that I wanted to become an entertainer. I had always played with the idea but everyone has a moment in time where they know down to their very core what their heart desires. During the encore they performed Shake It. I was getting along with a girl I had met there named and I got the idea to jump onto the speakers in front of the stage and pulled her up with me and started dancing and basically did the harlem shake on the stage sized speakers. 

 

   That’s when I was singing my favorite song with one of my favorite artists without even realizing it! I asked the security guard beside me if it was ok and he said as long as he didn’t mind and pointed to the stage. Continuing to dance I locked eyes with Trace  Cyrus as he sang “I saw you dancing and I couldn’t keep you off my mind, I could tell and you could tell, that I was taking my time” or at least trying to get those words out. Both Trace and I started laughing, I blushed, and we carried on. The feeling of being so close to someone who’s art you enjoy and being so carefree for those moments on stage making the crowd laugh and cheer and sing louder and longer is a feeling that I still can’t describe. It’s a feeling of pure adrenaline and bliss. I had already been on other stage’s before, but this was the first time in front of that many people, and if anything I was more comfortable being on those speakers then I ever was performing before that.

 

    After the shake fest was over and the concert cleared out  I wanted to say “hi” but a girl I later learned was his sister Brandi was pulling him back into the tour bus. I got to meet some of the other bands and knew I could be doing the same thing one day. It was only a matter of time. Enjoying the bands and other artists dancing and singing along was such a blast. Tyga rapped, The White Tie Affair  swooned the ladies, and Cash Cash had the whole place jumping up and down. Metro Station got everyone singing and dancing and got me to realize what I really wanted to sing. For a first concert it was one of the most versatile and one of the best. 

 

   After that it was hard for me to say no to a concert. There were so many I went to that I actually lost track of how many. Meeting other artists and enjoying the music they created was how I spent most of my time. Writing songs became my hobby and looking for artists to collaborate with and modeling for freelance photographers filled the rest of my time. The only time I had for friends or romance was during all that or a few hours here and there between. Even family would get frustrated with how little I was around. 

 

   Being into modeling I was always looking for new models and photographers to collaborate with so when I heard about this event I didn’t want to miss out. It was my birthday celebration time and my party didn’t turn out as planned so I thought it might make it a little better and it was a demo release for a model so I thought it sounded like a great place to mingle. 

 

   When I got there I was in for a surprise. Gravity Nightclub was a small venue that was dark but had this glow to it that really sets the mood. I walked into the club and went to go dance and looked across  the dance floor and saw him standing there. As soon as he saw me too I knew I had to go over and talk to him. There was something about the way he stood so confidently yet seemed laid back. 

 

   I walked straight towards him not even knowing who I was about to introduce myself to or who I was about to meet. As I walked towards him he turned away, then looked back, and turned around to face me as I was getting closer. He stepped down from the raised area he was in and introduced himself. “Hi, do you want to have a drink with me? Sorry! I’m Don, nice to meet you.” for a second Don looked like he was blushing. Immediately Don held his composure again and gestured towards the VIP section I was then realizing he was standing in. I noticed Don, not where he was standing. I agreed and he politely took my hand and led me to the seat beside him. After introducing me to some girls we shared some drinks and got along really well. 

 

   Don asked me to wait for him while he promoted and sang for his new album. It was then that I realized I was talking to America’s Next Top Model, and at the time, new recording artist, Don Benjamin. Don said a few words on the microphone and came right back to me. We had another drink to calm our nerves. We ended up dancing. I remember when Boys II Men came on and he got really into it and started singing and swung me around on the dancefloor like it was only us there. Albatross was one of the tunes that got me going. Many songs were played that night that remind me of that night.

 

    Don was a complete gentleman that had me wondering if I was ever going to see him again. Not wanting the night to end, people started leaving and eventually we were one of the few people left, but we were having too much fun to notice. The owner was going to shut down the bar and let us stay longer with some guests dancing with us but we knew that our night would have to end. We declined the offer knowing we both had events to be at on the following day. I wanted to know and find out what would have happened if we stayed. I told him that I had to go but hope to see him again one day. I felt something unexplainable. Like I knew it wasn’t bye, more like and I’ll see you later. 

 

   Years later we reconnected and exchanged numbers. You never know when someone you never thought you’d see again suddenly appears back in your life as if by magic. Still sparking eachothers imaginations from so far away. It’s cool to see and be part of a connection like that as well as people you see all the time. It reminds you of how one small interaction can be remembered or appreciated from so far away and over so long of a time. From that night till this day I have learned that I didn’t have to be just a singer or just a model. I could be both and so much more. I could have many jobs or no job at all and still have fun being myself. 

 

   After that night at Gravity, I began to perform my own original songs. I booked a show with my friend from highschool Magic Matt at Coalition Lounge in Toronto and got him to perform magic tricks as people were walking into the show. I made a few good friends that night. Freddy Fame is another friend I ended up making. Freddy got me performing at different venues and connecting with local artists and entertainers like  Wade Jackson, JR Fillion, JDon, and began being a guest appearance at local shows making new friends and gaining new experiences. Each show I went to it would seem I would come back with a new friend or acquaintance. 

 

   One of my high school friends Rico ended up reconnecting with me and we began hanging out coming up with song ideas and thinking of what would be good collaborations and bouncing ideas off each other of what we thought would look good in music videos. Hanging out watching TV, and always helping each other as much as we can. Always coming up with ideas for how we can help our siblings succeed as well.  Growing up together and in the same school all made us very close and formed a strong friendship between us. Always making each other laugh and trying to ease stress as much as possible. Rico always had some sort of way to cheer me up and always has my back. 

 

   I had then discovered an Artist by the name Mod Sun. Mod Sun also known as Derek Smith was a fun loving happy hippy with a lot of energy and had a unique sound that he called hippy-hop. This got me really into the idea of creating a new sound. My friend Joey was going to introduce me and my friend Meghan at one of Mod Sun’s shows but before he had the chance Derek was walking right up to me saying “I have no idea why but I feel like I should know you.” We talked about Derek’s show for a moment and I told him how impressed  I was with his energy level.  Said he would look out for me at his next show. 

 

   The next time Derek came back I was nine months pregnant with my son but  that wasn’t stopping me from seeing him perform again. I was up front and enjoying the show as always. Derek introduced me to Pat Brown who sang with him and kissed my belly. For me being pregnant was totally normal, to him it was a miracle of life. Derek had never gotten to be near a pregnant woman before quite like that so the thought of a tiny human inside my body kind of blew his mind. Congratulations were said and exchanged numbers so that we know I can send each other a “hey”.  The song Stoner Girl comes into mind and everything seems so small and simple so quickly. No need for a reply every time but if I ever needed to call I know Derek will always pick up. I know things are serious in life but Derek is definitely a great reminder to have fun and not care so much about what others think and to just let loose and to be happy no matter what ur going through. 

 

   When I was pregnant with my daughter I went to a concert again, only this time I went to see Sumo Cyco with my ex Cody. We had a great time until he got lost. Waiting around for him to find me, I was talking to one of the band members while he was off talking to Skye Sweetnam. One of my all time favorite girl singers. Apparently he broke their band sign so thanks and sorry for having to put up with that. Cody and I are still good friends. We grow up together and will probably always be friends. We like to joke about things. He always encouraged me with writing and performing and tried to make it to a few events and concerts. Cody supported me alot.

 

   I began networking with different Djs and producers  and finally found a sound I wanted my music to sound like, explaining that sound was a whole other adventure. Through the years I connected with an Artist named JML and we began to work on the unique sound that combined rock with dance dubstep and a little spanish flavor and an orchestra sound. I know it sounds messed up in writing right? Imagine two people half way across the world who don’t speak the same language trying to communicate that to each other. Almost impossible. Many conversations and with the help of a lot of friends we created our sound. After seven years of going back and forth finally we had our sound. It was like a dream come true. The first time I had a chance to sit down and listen to it I cried tears of joy. I had not gotten much sleep the night before and was overwhelmed when I heard how beautiful it was. After hearing the first single I grabbed my pen and started writing. Two months later I had twenty seven songs written and ready to record. I recorded two albums after that. Now here is this book.  

 

   During the process of writing this book and those songs I found myself talking to my friends and family. My girl friends were my rock whenever I felt like I needed someone to talk to or to have fun with. No matter where you go you always have people that care about you. There is always a friend waiting to hear from you. A new love one to care for and a shoulder  to lean on. My friend Melissa is honestly one of my best friends. There was a day where we sat and spoke about cats for 5 hours. Melissa is a mom and an amazing one at that. Coming up with fun stuff to do with her son and giving me ideas for things to do with my kids. The time she came down to see me we had so much fun laughing and joking around having a blast. No matter how far we are from each other we always make sure that each other is happy and enjoying life. 

 

   There is one person I’d like to mention too who has always been there for me no matter where I have been and that’s Stephen. He has been to some of my shows, promoted me, and makes sure I always have food in my tummy, a place to stay, and lets me be myself no matter what mood I’m in. I am a girl after all and sometimes it shows. 

 

This Is Who I Am

   

   Anyone who really knows me knows I’m kind of a tomboy. I like to ride ATVs, get muddy, and play basketball and occasionally even practice some wrestling stills. I draw some weird pictures or attempt to make food but I really don’t belong in a kitchen. Once you try my cooking you would agree. 

I have a heavy diet yet I probably consume more cookies than I should. Camp fires and making s’mores are more my style of cooking so take from that what you will. Sometimes I would rather be building a tree fort or hiking up mountains. I love being out in nature. Halloween is my favorite time of the year because you can dress up as whatever you want and everyone else does too! I like to keep things short and simple unless I’m really into the conversation then it’s hard to get me to be quiet. I dont think being quiet is in my nature.

 

    I’m a loud person and I like it that way. When I have an opinion I speak my mind and sometimes it may not make sense to the person I’m talking to at the time but after getting to know me it all starts to make sense. There are a lot of ways to entertain me though. I find the pleasures in little things.

   

   There is more to a person than meets the eye. Don’t be afraid to take chances and get to know someone. They might surprise you and be someone completely different from what you thought or just who you thought they were all along. It can be a rocky road but the destinations you can explore are so magnificent that you can’t even.yet imagine them.

 

Enjoying Surprises

 

  Even in times that are rough and hard to grasp I enjoy being surprised by a couple new songs that are silly or that are serious. They seriously make me smile though. No matter where or what I’m doing music always makes me feel better. Feeling the warmth and comfort and strength. With eyes wide open or shut it makes you feel. Inspiring a new song from one another is a beautiful cycle. Showing how much an artist can accomplish. How far we could still go. Messy perfection that gets the world moving and entertained. 

 

   There is always something to believe in. Something to look forward to. Something to remember. Little reminders of why you do things and how much the smallest thing could mean to you. The little things that make you focus and motivate you to feel better. When you can’t find your way and you feel like you don’t know where to go or what to do next, think about those little reminders and suddenly you find yourself on a path that you feel is right in your soul. The littlest thing can spark such fire in you.  Let the fire within you burn and simmer out and feel the warmth it brings. That is the very feeling that moves you forward or keeps you calm. It’s a wild excitement that simmers down into a peaceful feeling. One of the greatest gifts to give is the feeling of peace. So when you don’t know what to do or say try thinking of that warm fire. 

 

   A good scare is always a little fun too. It’s good to keep the heart pumping and to keep your mind active and alert. I have always thought it fun to watch a scary movie or go to a haunted house to get a little jolt. It’s also a good way to see how things that frighten one person may not frighten another person or vice versa. You never know when one of your biggest fears could bring you to your best fantasies and then into a dream come true.

 

   Treating others to surprises is always fun and makes both people feel better too. One person could be having a tough time and then a surprise could completely lift their spirits. Maybe even making a good day even better. It’s so humbling to give. A simple flower is all it takes to make someone blush. 

 

   The stories of each other’s lives are the gift of centuries of generations. Making eachother laugh,  getting enough sleep, and getting giggles are all ways of giving someone a nice little surprise. 

 

Staying Positive

 

   Not everything is as glitzy and glamorous as it seems. There are times when you’re down and angry and don’t know how to express anything. However I do believe that as people we are strong enough to survive, to continue to move forward gradually getting stronger. Peace does not always seem possible but in my view there is peace. There is always a storm before the calm and after comes a beautiful rainbow. That’s the way life and nature goes. All we can do is be thankful for everyday that we get to see, share the knowledge we gain, and grow together. 

 

   There are so many things that can distract you from focusing on the positive things that you have in life and those things can bring you down a very dark mindset. It is really important to me to be a light in the dark. There is always someone who is having a bad day and I like to be the one that tries to cheer them up. I could go on about all the crappy things I’ve been through in life but I’d rather save those stories for a different book. I didn’t become who I am today by focusing on those negative situations so I am going to show you all the positive ways that actually improved my life and shaped me into the woman I have become.

 

   Everyday I remember to look up and to listen and to GRINN! Most of my life I tell myself to live life to the fullest. In my soul I know this is only the beginning of a new chapter. 

 

Self Healing

 

   Sometimes all you need is a little time to focus on yourself. Take a day each week to treat yourself nicely. Have a nice bubble bath and relax with some candle light then rinse off with a nice cool shower. Shave yourself and leave your conditioner in for a little bit longer. Do your hair nice.  Make sure you take care of your nails and have fun with them. Create some new beautiful styles. Play with some makeup once in a while. You might see yourself in ways you never thought you could. Try and see if you get your car to shine a little more. Do whatever it is that makes you feel happy and cheers you up. It’s good to look good on the outside but it’s even better to feel better on the inside. 

 

   Make sure that you’re always taking care of yourself. You have to take care of yourself if you want to take care of the people you love. Ensure that you are always taking care of yourself first and always. Eventually you take care of others by taking care of yourself. It’s amazing and rare to have the moments to be able to do this at first. However after a while of treating yourself once in a while it becomes easier to allow yourself to do so.  

 

 On to the next adventures. 

 

The next book… How I am getting to know Cole Sprouse and some girlfriends. 😉

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